Reviews > Halloween

I’m not the type of person who gives in to people talking in the theater. Likewise, when people laugh at inappropriate times or continuously they might as well get ready for a great ball of fury coming their way cause that’s what they’ll get from me. Despite this, I did nothing but sit in my chair and stare at the screen in utter disbelief as I felt my very soul wrenched from out of my chest and stomped on by Rob Zombie all while people all around me laughed at seemingly every little thing that was pouring off the screen. For once I didn’t feel the need to shut them up, what was playing before me was a laughable tangle of bad plotting, pacing, and dialog.

Let me start by saying this. I LOVE Carpenter and his classic BUT I am the type of person that will give remakes a chance. I accept remakes as part of Hollywood’s greedy little plan. I’ve seen plenty of good ones, ones that were the same shit, and many, many bad ones. I say if you’re going to make one at least get creative with it or make it damned good. Rob did neither with “his” take on the Carpenter classic. Like I said, I walked in with a completely open mind. I was willing to accept any change that Rob brought on…as long as they were good. Unfortunately as the movie progressed it became depressingly clear that he had made an unintentionally mock-worthy, uninspired flick.

Being a fan of the psychedelic exploitation extravaganza that was Zombie’s debut flick and an even bigger fan of his gritty grindhouse styled The Devil’s Rejects, I had great confidence that Zombie would find something to do with Myers, alas what he does is linger far too much in cliches, clunky filming, and thoughtless developments.

What exactly do I mean?

Well, let’s boil it down. I don’t like to compare but when you something like this there is no option but to do so. In Carpenter’s original, suspense was built up with things as simple as wide framed shots, tracking shots, and the brilliant use of stillness and silence emphasized by the distressing score. Well, Rob seems to have thought that a good way to “make his different” was to do the exact opposite. Now, like I said, I’m all for changing things up but Rob’s solution just mucked it up.

From minute one we are bombarded with cussing that just becomes frustrating. Everyone is a damned loudmouth in the movie. It doesn’t end with cussing, they’re all just generally loud and frankly it ruins the mood of it. On top of all this what is supposed to be Michael’s fucked up childhood reads like a page out of The Crime Library. Zombie seems to have mined the most popular serial killer stories and fluffed up his “origin” with all the typical BS. The kid gets treated badly by his stepfather who married his stripper mom. He gets beat up at school and his sister is a slut. So he takes his frustrations out on animals and eventually escalates to people. BORING. I’ve read/seen/heard this a BILLION times Rob! WTF?!

Of course, if ruining mood with stereotypical serial killer buildup and insane amounts of cussing that would put Tarantino to shame isn’t enough, Zombie manages to stab the mood right between the eyes with the soundtrack/score. When Michael is ignored on Halloween by his family “Love Hurts” plays during a montage showing them all go about their business. How am I supposed to feel this kid’s isolation with that shit piping into my ears? How are people not supposed to laugh at how fuckin’ stupid it sounds given the context?

You just don’t get Zombie’s humor, you say? Yes I do. I love it in HOTC and TDR, but here it just doesn’t work. He clearly wants you to believe Micheal is made into a monster but then he litters that back story with “quirky” lines, cameos, and done-and-done-again storytelling.

Suspense with longshots, tracking, etc? None. Instead we get blurred closeups and violence that is graphic without ever showing anything truly gory….but not in a good way. Oy.

Well, whatever the case, you know the story Myers kills his kin and gets locked up except now we linger in his life for a bit longer and watch Malcolm McDowell play what may be the world’s dumbest psychoanalyst. EVER. Here’s where things get even more bumbled up. We’ve just spent over thirty minutes seeing bad development of Michael’s psychotic tendencies and all of the sudden Loomis is pushing the “Carpenter angle” on everyone. He doesn’t see anything in Michael. He is a void. He can’t explain his psychosis. Are you fuckin’ nuts? Anyone with eyes (and most without) would have been able to spot the problem. His family is a goddamn wreck and he is clearly a misfit. WTF?! Apparently Loomis partied a little too hard in college.

Anyway, you hold on to the vague hope that despite all this the movie will “get better” but once “superhero Michael” (you’ll see what I mean) escapes it all goes further downhill. Now it becomes a bigger mess. We get to see the very cute Laurie and her unfathomably annoying friends romp about like Friday the 13th rejects and then get stalked by Myers in a way that makes the tongue in cheek of those “killer stalking” sequences in Scream seem Oscar-worthy. Every time Zombie cuts to a shot of Myers staring it feels ridiculous and, appropriately enough everyone at my showing laughed. It was stupid.

From here on out the movie is just kind of a really violent, but not gory version of the Carpenter without much deviation but not even close to the greatness of it. Loomis continues being a douche that “quips comical” even while on the chase for Myers, nobody is likable, Myers is imposing but not in the good way, and the plot holes from earlier in the movie actually become black holes in the space.

Other massive problems:
1. The Cameos: Everyone in Rejects and HOTC is in this movie and while I love all those actors/actresses, they’re just distracting here. Ken Foree is the only cameo I enjoyed.
2. Why does Myers’ strength vary. One minute he breaks chains the other he takes forever to break through the floorboards to get his mask.
3. Which brings us the the subject of hiding the mask in the first place. Apparently he had time to lay down floorboards and set them well enough for even his future hulking self to have a hard time getting it out.
4. Sheri Moon is one hot mama but she can’t act for shit and THIS particular film is hurt by that.
5. Starting the movie off with a KISS song = bad omen.
6. Having Myers don the legendary mask as a kid made every idiot in the room laugh. I don’t blame them, it looked ridiculous. There were about a billion other ways you could have brought the mask in and tied it to his childhood.
7. How does a hulking menace like Myers amble about a town after breaking out of an asylum and not get noticed? Same thing happens in the original but the way the film presented Myers made you believer that he was a stealthy mofo, this guy is clearly not a contender for covert ops.
8. “Was that the boogeyman?” That great line becomes a joke.

What a loss.